(2004) ** 1/2 Pg-13
92 min. New Line Cinema. Director: David Richard Ellis. Cast: Kim Basinger, Chris Evans, William H. Macy, Jason Statham, Dat Phan.

We here at New Line Cellular are confident that we have the plan for you! Our ultimate Cellular™ plan gives you 92 inflexible real-time minutes that are sure to pump up your fast-paced, action-packed lifestyle. We know you're tired of the same old calls from your same old boring friends, so New Line Cellular will cross your wires, introducing you to lots of interesting people! Let's hear from just one of our many satisfied customers!

My name is Ryan (though my friends call me Chris Evans). I was just another L.A. Everyboy, cruising the Santa Monica Pier and pining for my sorta ex-girlfriend Chloe (she's way hot—she looks just like Jessica Biel). So get this: she tells me I'm "irresponsible, completely childish." That was so not cool, but sorta true. That's when New Line Cellular changed my life. I get this totally unexpected call from this crazy chick named Jessica Martin. She's going on and on about how she's been kidnapped by thugs and how she and her son and husband are all going to be, like, killed or something.

She didn't have the way cool Cellular™ plan like me, but she's a biology teacher, it turns out, so she knows all sorts of stuff, like how to hot-wire a phone that the bad guys busted up into little pieces. So anyway, it's up to me to hook her up with the police, 'cause she can't dial the phone herself. Long story short: before I can get the cops' attention, Jessica freaks out and begs me to go pick up her kid from school before the bad guys do. That totally harshed my vibe, but before I knew it, I was having a lot of fun: speeding on the freeway, stealing cars, waving a gun around, and doing some totally fancy driving.

I couldn't have done it without New Line's Cellular™ plan. This plan always kept me one step behind, which was really exciting! Now everyone thinks I'm cool, like a hero or something. Like Keanu in Speed! Or I guess more like Sandra Bullock, except I'm a lot more manly. Oh, and speaking of hot movie stars, I eventually got to meet Jessica. She's married and all, but she looked just like Kim Basinger (MILF!). Weird thing was, even though she was in a lot of trouble, she always sounded like she was acting like she was in a lot of trouble, which was sort of weird. But she was, like, totally thankful and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Take that, Chloe! And thank you, New Line Cellular!

It's what we do, Ryan! Now you may have heard our nasty competitors making false claims about our plan: that we "strain credibility," that we jack up our sound effects or include unnecessary flourishes, like a Steadicam shot which floats across a manicured lawn and into the eyehole of a front door, or a slo-mo flick of Jessica's hair. But here at New Line Cellular, we say, "What the heck are you talking about?" One man's dumb is another man's, um, unpretentious. Where else can you get a script by newcomer Chris Morgan or a high-concept story by Larry Cohen, the whiz we snapped up from Phone Booth (who wants a lousy phone booth, anyway, when you can have cell phone technology?)?

We also bring you exciting offers from our partner companies, like Nokia-brand cell phones, Porsche, and (because we care) Heal the Bay! We have a top-notch Customer Service Department, headed up by director David R. Ellis (Final Destination 2). Instead of the ho-hum ring tones of other companies, we give you a ridiculously emphatic score by John Ottman--you won't even believe your ears! We guarantee that our plan's a crowd-pleaser! But don't take our word for it...let's hear from one more satisfied customer, shall we? We think you'll find him brilliantly cast to represent the Cellular™ plan!

Aw, shucks. Hi, everybody. I'm actor William H. Macy. You may remember me from such films as Fargo and The Cooler. I hardly ever get to do anything cool. Sure, I got to run around with dinosaurs in Jurassic Park III, but I'm talking John Woo cool. Well, after signing up with New Line Cellular, suddenly I'm sliding across the floor and flying through the air, gun blazing! Okay, my character has been a bored cop for 27 years, and wants to open a day spa, but my 92-minute plan really got things jumping. If you're like me, you'll want to ask for the Plan "B"-movie (it's a special this week). I think you'll find it as preposterous but involving as I did. Sign up today, at a theatre near you!

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